Communication has been hard for me recently. I say recently I’ve had issues with communication my whole life. I’ve been a people pleaser for so long. Since my operation and my recovery I realised most people around me where only there because of what they could get out of it. Not because they loved and cared for me.
I started to change.
I needed these people but in my hour of need they deserted me. For the first time in my life I couldn’t be the people pleaser, the workaholic, the chaperone, I was just Stef… sick, tired, afraid, anxious, depressed, unable to eat normally, unable to party, to walk far, to get out of the house.
I was useless to them.
It made me feel like I was useless.@jawandface
I’ve spent years of my life feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I worked so hard for approval. Leading up to my pain issues and my operation I was working 3 jobs, undertaking full time University and still trying to fit in demanding friends, family and a 4 year relationship. I graduated with a first class Honours degree in business and HR management and had a career with a big FTSE 100 company set up.
Despite all of that hard work and all of that sacrifice, here I was a single woman, without friends and a huge chunk of family missing, no job, struggling financially, struggling with my health, struggling with my own self care. I felt confused, I felt abandoned and I felt completely alone.
It’s been a hard road… and it continues to be a hard road. But over the past year I’ve had to learn to prioritise my self care again. I continually try and go back to my old habits and my old ways. Working 50-60 hour weeks, trying to make family and friends happy. Trying to have a relationship. Trying to be independent, be the strong one, but it’s not sustainable.
I figured out I use my health as my cue to stop and re-evaluate. It’s a terrible thing to do as everyday I end the day at rock bottom in agony. Those who live with pain every day will know… you just don’t know what the day will bring and how pain will stop you… you also know there is the matter of putting food on your families plates and a roof over your head.
I get that. I live that.
I’d work 8-10-12 hours, no real food, no bath or shower, no real break. End the day on the floor, pumping my body full of pain meds and shovelling down my throat any quick and easy food I could get my hands on. Following that by dropping to the sofa in agony and then staying there until I could manage to sleep. It’s not healthy.
#SelfCareDaily
Despite needing to work and needing to maintain some form of human relationships, I think it is super important to prioritise some form of self care. I started my #selfcaredaily challenge a few weeks ago to try and force me to undertake some form of reflection or self care in my daily life. I sat on my bed, much like I am now, did a YouTube visualisation meditation, cleared my mind and realised I needed to do something for me. Too much of my life is for other people and just getting by. What was for me? I felt a lot of frustration about it.
It’s not been an easy 3 weeks. On certain days it is hard to prioritise self care. But I try to do at least one thing. Even if it’s a bath or read some quotes, write in my journal, listening to an audiobook. Sometimes I sit in front of the tv with my pillow and just take a moment to say… this next hour of watching #killingeve or #breakingbad is my time and for me. So far I’ve been feeling a lot better about things. I feel a lot calmer. I’ve been going out of my way to think of new ways in which I could look after myself and show appreciation.
I know this is something I need to make a habit, that’s why I’ve made it a public thing on Instagram and Twitter. Please feel free to join in. The more the merrier. If we can all prioritise some form of #selfcaredaily I guarantee we will feel a little better about ourselves.
That’s all for now as my arms are starting to fatigue and migraine is kicking in. I’ve just had a lovely bath and moisturised my face. I’m now going to get myself a glass of water and go downstairs to watch tv and relax. That’s my self care daily today.
What will you do?
Please share your #selfcaredaily stories by using the hashtag and tagging me @jawandface. It would be great to get some new ideas and see what you are all doing.
Sending my love always. x.x.x
Here are some of my Self Care Daily Ideas:
- Epsom salt bath
- Wash face and moisturise
- Brush your teeth and floss to music concentrating on each tooth and all parts of your mouth
- Light a candle and mediate
- Do self visualisation (I use YouTube clips to help me out)
- Stop work, have a break and eat something colourful and healthy
- Write a thank you diary
- Read a book
- Go out for the day (if you can)
- Take a picture of something beautiful (a flower, a butterfly, a plant, a sunset)
- Do your hair
- Put some make up on
- Wear something nice
- Do some stretches
- Read some poems or positive quotes online
- Put on your fluffy socks and your dressing gown and curl up in front of the TV
- Cuddle your favourite pillow or cuddly toy
- Put hand cream on. Concentrate on rubbing it into your nails, your cuticles and your finger tips. Pay attention to the activity helps it double up as a simple and short meditation
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